(aka if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t)
8 August 2018. That’s a date I’ll never forget. It was a bright sunny morning. My 4 boys were up and playing around the house, their cheerful voices filling the space around me. But that day was like no other.
I woke up with absolutely no energy to get out of bed. Nothing to look forward to during the day. Not much meaning in keeping up with my routine. I felt like the last few years had been a real struggle for me. Caring too much for far too long. Tending to the needs and expectations of everyone around me. Working long hours and neglecting everything else. Watching that autoimmune disease or the other have a go at me. Having a very low sense of accomplishment, like nothing I do makes any real difference anymore. I slowly started to lose my empathy, feeling less and less compassionate for those around me. Gradually losing the connectivity between different parts of my brain, manifested as decreased working memory, loss of creativity and emotional disconnect.
I often had days when getting up was more difficult than others, sure. “A day like any working day” you might think. Thing is, we were on holiday on 8 August 2018, in Cyprus. I should have lots of fun, restful things to look forward to during the day. And yet here I was – unable to summon the energy to simply Get. Out. Of. Bed. Those of you who know me would say that this was definitely odd behavior for me. That is not in line with who I am, my own values as a person, my usual energy, creativity, thirst for growth and self motivation.
That particular day sparked something remarkable in me. It was the wake up call that I expected.
In the days that followed I went through a loop of emotions. Starting with wondering what is wrong with me? My mind told me I have all the blessings in the world: A wonderful family, a supportive husband, friends and community to share things with, a successful career at a firm renowned for its supportive environment, a pretty home near the sea. But my heart was numb – why could I not see the joy in all of this?
After a few days of sulking around my mom suggested I visit her spiritual father. A well respected priest living in a monastery in the Troodos mountains. A few days later I surrendered to the idea. And that’s how I found myself face to face to one of the most educated, most enlightened, most remarkable people I ever met. He did not need to hear much from me. One minute into our discussion this priest smiled his compassionate smile, looked into my eyes and said “My dear daughter, life does not require this much effort. You were born equipped with everything you need in order to thrive. The path to fulfilment is through giving. Listen to the whispers of your heart and find ways to give to others.”
I was deeply moved by this advice but could not really process it yet. I was already so busy with everything. In fact I was actually burned out. How could I possibly find time to give to others?
Turns out you cannot change your reality without changing your habits! Ever since that day I committed to changing things around for me. I started researching using my symptoms as clues. I delved into motivational audiobooks and filled my mind with positive messages and stories. I grabbed every opportunity to stop and chat to others – my neighbour, my colleagues, the parents at basketball practice, the school bus lady at the drop off. I went to sleep, and woke up, to 20 minutes of mindfulness every day. I prayed and meditated at least once a month, in church. I also followed 1 hour of physical exercise a day, walking, pilates or doing SUP. At home we introduced the Quiet Box, a box for us to drop our phones in as soon as we get home and refrain from social media and emails through the evening. And most importantly, I dived deep into the arms of my boys, drew strength from their hugs and warmth, spent more and more quality time with them. I consciously listened to my heart’s desire to play with them, share stories with them, delve into their little souls and seek refuge there. Those were the moments I felt truly creative and so much more alive!
As the months went by, my busy, hustling mind became my quirky, excitable friend and my heart my true companion. I silenced the outside noise and started listening to my soul. I said YES to everything that I thought I would enjoy; and NO to those I wouldn’t. It was YES to a new opportunity to lead a CSR initiative at work, volunteering for a charity, supporting women at their workplace, mentoring youth, organising giveaway campaigns among my friends and family, running keynote speeches for organisations. I took up acrylic painting again (Mmm how I love the quiet moments between me and my canvas). I also hired a coach to support me in my journey and took up a course to qualify as a coach myself. Most importantly, I made sure to allow myself the silence and self-care I need on a daily basis.
Gradually it all made sense to me. I found meaning in my every day activities. I started seeing more of the world out there, learned about the impactful work of others and met visionaries looking to change the world. And every single day I was reminded of how grateful I should be for everything that I am.
My favourite piece of advise to my children is to look after themselves. “Your self is your best friend. You should love, honour and look after it. Care for your body, your mind and your soul, and stay true to these no matter what.”
This is probably a sound piece of advice that many of us give our children. But is it advice that we follow ourselves? How do we live up to this when we are consumed in a relentless battle with all the MUSTs and SHOULDs? Find a job, Get that promotion, Make more money, Look after your dependants, Be a good parent, Renovate your house, You should have been a director by now / been richer by now / had kids by now, Be good at you job, Keep up to speed with FT and Netflix, Rush, Sleep, Repeat.
This is the narrative of our discussion with our inner selves, day in, day out. We speak to ourselves in a manner that we would never speak to our child. Well. You know what? The inner child is in all of us. And it will not bear this abuse forever.
In the years since then, I shared my experience with anyone willing to hear. I was astounded to see how many people around me actually share the same concerns. Our lives play out only on weekends. Each working day a dull reality. We live for what’s to come. In constant anticipation of a better, brighter future, where our financial issues are resolved and we have all the free time in the world to enjoy the things we love.
One day I randomly came across a Nas daily post online (www.nasdaily.com), a test on what % of your life you lived to date. I fed the test my age, sex and country of residence. In return it informed me that I had already lived 44% of my life. That’s a heck of a lot of life to have lived waiting for better days ahead.
Here’s the bad news though* (* for the dreamers among you – you may switch to another article now). The hope for a better future is a mere utopia. It’s our minds’ instant reaction to difficult circumstances. It feeds us hope to keep us energised. If you cannot discover joy today, if you do not even know what joy looks like, smells like, tastes like, feels like today – then how will you know this tomorrow?
My call came that Wednesday morning on 8 August, 2018. I have since found out about people who had their call over a life threatening experience. A personal crisis. Or a moment of deep sadness and misery. You know what though? You don’t have to wait for that moment. There is nothing particular about that moment. It can be the moment when you catch yourself being unable to recall the last time you laughed so hard you almost cried, checking your emails while you speak to your children about how their day was, or texting when you’re meant to be telling them bedtime stories, or missing an outing (for the Xth time) with someone you love because something urgent came up at work.
I have since studied burnout, long and hard, spoke to people who went through it, learned a lot from their experiences and completed my own special journey of self discovery. I am now a certified Leadership Coach and coach impact driven people to discover their inner strength so that they can go on an LEAD in their careers, their families and their lives. The journey does not have to be painful. In fact it is meant to be filled with joy, love and self-discovery. Unsurprisingly in my studies on Peak Performance and Success I also discovered that the principles on achieving personal fulfilment are the very same principles that lead to success. Another note on this to follow soon.
Off to join my boys for some experiments with water balloons now. Wish me luck.
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